Nothing Left Unsaid
Yours Truly
Her name is Sabrina, and she is probably one of the laziest and emotionally closed off people you will ever meet. Don't judge her for it; she's a lot smarter than you can imagine and is fiercely loyal to her true friends. A new graduate who majored in law and hoping to
Words speak
Posso farle.
"Ambition is a wonderful thing-it can drive you, it can exhaust you, but if you look at it in a positive way it can be very productive."-Steven McRae.
"I like to think that while striving to improve, it is important to acknowledge at every stage along the way, when you have achieved something."-Steven McRae.
Carpe diem.
Obiter Dicta
Exits
My YouTube Channel
Sofeee Tu~
Gar-wie Tran~
Ray-shell Le~
Kee-vin Choi~
Positively Present
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Wednesday, 15 November 2017 @ 2:58 am
All my life, I've been a talker. I'll be the one calling my friends and subjecting them to 1 hour(+) conversations. The frantic texter who is trying to find out if you're free, because that other voice, presence on the line makes me feel not so alone.Today I received a call from a friend who has always taken my calls, instead of making them to me...I can only hope that I was helpful enough. Trying to navigate life as an 'adult' is full of its challenges and I can only be grateful that I have the friends that I can take along for the ride... |
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Wednesday, 22 April 2015 @ 1:44 am
I'm not great at remembering names, but I'm great with remembering faces.
That beautiful face that sometimes seemed too good to be true, almost as if it had been delicately sculpted for you, cupped so gently as you rubbed your cheek against my hand, alluring hazel eyes you can't help but fall in love with, the well groomed and soft-to-the-touch facial hair, your gentle lips that I have traced with my fingertips, a mouth that breaks out into a smile that no person could stay angry at for long, and of course, your hair that seems to have a mind of its own, dancing around.
I can remember how you made me feel.
I can remember what it felt like to touch you.
Yet I can't seem to remember what you look like. You invade my mind everyday, but I can never conjure up exactly how you look. Maybe it's because I never allowed myself to obsess over pictures of you (the way you treated me made sure of that), or maybe it's because my mind is so desperately trying to block you out, because it knows my heart is still aching. The oh-so-common war between head and heart-it cannot comprehend how something so beautiful, could possibly cause so much pain. The worst part of all this? Looks-wise, you're not even my usual 'type'.
Mostly, I agree with the evaluation a close friend has made towards this. They told me that I don't actually like you that much, but more because my confidence has been knocked.
Why would my confidence in 'us' be so high though, for it to take such a beating?
Probably because I haven't 'clicked' with someone like that in a long time. Perhaps ever.
I am well and fully aware of the people I have liked in the past that I have obsessed over, become infatuated over, that have made me gush whenever I talk about them. Then again, those were people who I always felt ticked my metaphorical boxes of what I like, of what I desire. You, however, came along into my life and I saw for the first time what it meant to have so much in common with another person. Not just an admiration or a perceived liking of how a person comes across, but a real, live, realisation of what it means to smile every time you realise someones choices are like yours; ranging from things such as an extreme dislike for public displays of affection, to your favourite Disney movie (that I was originally afraid to tell you about because I thought you wouldn't like it and it really means that much to me that it is my favourite)...but you also ticked those boxes, you were also that someone for me to admire.
Then, without caution, I threw myself into this. This, I thought, this I know...is right. It's perfect. We're perfect together. We're similar enough to be so comfortable at such an early stage, open enough to voice our opinions when we're upset, we think the same, we must want the same things.
My lovestruck heart wasn't prepared for you to turn around and disprove that. To tell me that what you wanted wasn't the same, It wasn't me. All you wanted was a feeling...of intimacy. I wanted you-and all the feelings that came with it.
Even now, as I try to remember when I was looking at you, laying on the bed and looking up at me, I still can't remember your face. I can remember all the millions of questions and thoughts rushing through my head, you, shaking your head and saying 'no' gently, over and over. I hadn't even asked you anything. All the while, you were touching me, not in a provocative way, but rather a caring and still playfully sweet way. Our noses were almost touching, but maybe that was because I could no longer bear to maintain eye contact without giving my emotions away. At one point when we pulled apart, you sounded upset (you had no such right), said I had 'sad eyes'...why wouldn't my eyes be sad? Did you think that a person who already told you they like you could hear that and not feel some sort of emotion? I remember when I told you that, you smiled and said in that stupid and small happy voice 'you like me' not an exclamation, not a question, but more like a happy realisation, a fact.
My mind is trying to distort this now, it's telling me you smirked and said 'you like me' in a self satisfied manner, that you accomplished something by making me vulnerable.
Why would you want to continue to lead on, and hurt another person who is clearly special? I'm not bragging about myself here, I'm saying it felt as though I was a reflection of you, that hurting me is like casting yourself aside. You didn't want me, you wanted the closeness of another being, intimate with each other when not in public, a person to hold hands with, a person for you to look at and say 'you look pretty', to take out to dinner, to plan things to do together in the future, to talk to about your day and the joys and stresses that it brings. What I didn't realise is that you could have that with anyone, it just happened to be me-I conveniently showed up when you wanted those things and I gave them to you. I was not, and will never be special to you, like you are to me. You will never feel like how I did back then, or how I feel right now at this point. I've told a friend before 'I no longer want these feelings, I don't want to feel anything, whether it be happiness or sadness.'
I guess we're not that similar after all.
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Tuesday, 25 March 2014 @ 9:05 pm
My first post of the year...whoops. Luckily I didn't make the resolution to blog more!
I did, however, make a list of things I'd like to do in 2014 (including trying cronuts-check! Thank you to Rinkoffs Bakery) which almost feels like less pressure (read: less disappointment in myself) if I don't carry them out...
It's crazy to think that the academic year is practically over now. Modules chosen, final year approaching fast! Grades have somewhat improved and I've even taken to drinking a lot more water (my mother would readily tell you that she used to have to chase me up, down and around the house with a glass of water all day), plain water is so bland though, isn't it? I learnt to have the 'happy medium' with sparkling water but you have to pay for that-unless you get one of those 'soda stream' gadgets, but you know, it's not worth all that fuss, I'll just drink the still water!
The one major downside is the incessant need to pee...it's ridiculous. With a horrible time of life approaching (exam season) it's good to remind yourself of the things you should be grateful for. One of those for me is how lucky I have always been with the people I've lived with whilst at university. You hear some pretty awful horror stories about messiness, food being stolen, general inconsideration for others, constant fights (I know in some flats there was a major Exeter vs Falmouth divide) and late night partying...anddddd I couldn't be bothered to write more. Ah well, better post this super late draft ahahaa. |
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Monday, 16 December 2013 @ 12:16 am
A while, since I've posted.Currently I'm at 'home' in this house in London, due to be back at work in a day. Fun. I had a most interesting summer. Saw the end of my first serious and long-term relationship. Went on a seemingly good date with someone who ticked all the boxes, but who messed me around and broke my heart a little, after deeming me 'intense', this being the one that grabbed my hand on the date and leaned in to kiss me within an hour. Ended up kissing a friend during my low point. My bad. Thankfully that's cleared up now. Took the approach of having a permanently angry/unapproachable face to protect myself. Scared some friends. Sorry. As fate would have it, I met a stranger on the tube (as I do), who ended up changing the way I think about the 'type' of person I would date. I always said I'd never date those who smokes or takes weed. 'Well!' Is all I can say. I made exceptions, but I ultimately have not changed my ideals. This one got 'lucky' I guess. I like what I like. Despite how awful or bad people tell me another person is, once I've fallen, it's a little difficult, yet I do know that I'm very good at reminiscing over the good parts, and forgetting the negative parts, or the points where they've made me feel inadequate, or unhappy, or clingy. I detest giving anyone the right to make me feel that way. I need to reclaim my independence from him. It's begun. I am trying now, because I am tired. You are making me feel like how Tree made me feel. How dare you? Perhaps you don't know it, but as they say in the law, ignorance is not an excuse. The uni term has been intense. Lots of cardio walking to uni. Hmmm. I've settled into my room and house, as well as gotten very close to all my new housemates. I get lucky with the people I live with! I've even as gone as far as taking part in a social event (what?) and I have left the house in the evening. Proud moments of my university life. Fortunately, as my relationship has ended, I've been given more opportunity to see my old flat mates in Cornwall. It's their last year there so I'm visiting them every month or so. |
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Friday, 30 August 2013 @ 1:24 am
Which I expect to last till mid September...because that's when all this has to end, doesn't it?
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Thursday, 22 August 2013 @ 4:10 am
'The reality of it is that society is all about looks and you're just not trying hard enough to be pretty so that more guys will notice you'
'What if I don't want guys to notice me just for my looks?'
'but it IS all about looks, you're losing out on many guys because you don't try enough, they don't find you attractive and therefore won't give you any attention, all they want is a girl who's good looking and that they can go out with and be proud of how they look. Why don't you get your eyelids done? It really would make you so much prettier! You won't get your pick of guys this way!'
I am in such a dark place right now. I can't stop crying.
I could be the 'ideal weight' and have my eyelids done and you'd still turn around to tell me that my hair is too frizzy or that my skin isn't clear, or that I should get laser eye surgery, or that my calves are too big or my hands and nails aren't dainty, or that I'm too tan, or that two of my teeth are too small compared to the others, or that I walk too 'manly', or that my lips are too thick. With everything that has happened lately, I've been trying to keep my head up and remind myself of my self worth but this exchange with my mother has really broken me. I don't know if it's because I'm sad that she has such a pathetic and warped way of thinking, or that I actually do loathe the way I look, after all, I've been told from a young age that everything I do is 'just not good enough'.
Maybe there really is a great deal of truth in what she says. Perhaps I should use the 21st year of my life to transform myself into what is conventionally attractive and acceptable to her standards, if I can't find my 'perfect' guy then, I can blame it all on her.
I know that appearances are the first thing that someone judges you on (as they don't 'see' your personality) but I just think that someone who'd overlook me because they don't think I'm attractive is then worth my time at all. I wouldn't try and convince them otherwise. I admit that attraction is partially based on looks, but it's not the only factor. I want someone to dig that little bit deeper, scratch the minimal surface, notice the fact that I'm caring, that I'm able to easily converse with others, that I have a great energy about me and ultimately, despite everything, I put my friends and family above all else. I'll do what I can to help anyone I can and I will be polite. Whether that's holding a door open, giving directions, helping a someone carry a pram up/down the stairs, thanking the bus driver, giving blood, responding to sales associates or smiling in my usual, overly carefree fashion at everyone I meet.
I should sleep. I have work. I'm not finished on this topic. I'll be back. This will be plaguing my mind for a long time, I can tell. No one else brings me down in such a distasteful fashion like my mother does. No one. I feel too vulnerable right now. I hope nothing comes for me in the near future, I'll cry-easily.
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Sunday, 4 August 2013 @ 8:34 pm
'You've met your match' (in the opponent sense)& 'This one will break your heart' -Both said by my godmother. I worry. I'm sitting here, not waiting for a pleasant phone call, nor a text to make me happy. I'm waiting for some sort of contact that will let me down. Not pessimistic as much as having lost faith and having what I think/know/believe in knocked back a bit, but this is fine. There are things to bear in mind and remember from the past. (Note: this is not an ego trip haha) Even if they were said or experienced with people that it didn't work out with. Especially the one that left me sobbing in the airport three years ago. With someone who felt so out of my league, and to think that I, may, perhaps, just managed to catch his attention. A man, so charming and handsome, who told me: 'don't let anyone take that pretty smile off your face'. Despite me being tongue tied, shy and overly flustered at times! |
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@ 4:53 am
and quotes that I want to use right now but I'm not quite sure what is appropriate anymore.
I act so impulsively. Often just because I need or want answers. Just now it wasn't either of those. Since turning 21 I think I've become a little more lost as to who I am and what I want. I'm overly serious about relationships. Which I can't help but I just don't like being messed around with. I don't play games. If I'm interested, you will know. Earlier today, upon taking another persons past into account, I have somewhat convinced myself and understand why they take the approach to relationships that they do. The approach is different to mine, although this does not necessarily mean that it is wrong. If both parties are willing, then they can adapt to the new situations, not necessarily change who they essentially are, just to make slight adjustments to their way of thought or lifestyle to match the other person. Perhaps couples who are meant to be together won't need to do any of these things, I do not know. What do I know? That I am confused as heck. Well, I've been confused a lot lately. Working a full time job means that I don't get to wallow in my usual preferred fashion (the time when tree and I broke up, I didn't wash my hair for a week, lovely-I know) and the lack of passing trade means that I have been granted a great deal of (over)thinking and (over)analysing time. As clarified by several people of various age groups and backgrounds, I am not actually being crazy (or so they assure me). Are the rules that I set out for myself made to be broken? What does one pursue? The one that brought about the feelings that tree and frenchie created? Where everything is in one big, grey area for an extended time? Or the one where there is a somewhat mild chemistry, but where one knows that it is, indeed, a safer bet? Of course. People always go for the one who will hurt them more, and I think that will be my choice, also. Robert Frost, everybody.
The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
For anyone who may meet/see/come into contact with me for the next few weeks/upcoming month, I apologise for any erratic behaviour I may be exuding. As well as the run on sentences and a loss of the little sanity I may of ever had. We're all guilty of not being able to take our own advice and I shall clearly demonstrate soon what can happen, the sadness when it all comes crashing down and comes to a grinding halt-but-that's ohhkae. It is my choice to pick the more difficult, more painful route. Feelings are such fragile things. Additionally; I present this article from the wonderful and wacky Thought Catalog: '12 Dating Behaviours I'm Done With' Especially point four and ten. Especially those two. I'd like to write for the Thought Catalog someday. |
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Friday, 26 April 2013 @ 12:08 am
I'm still around (in case you're wondering) I took a rather lengthy hiatus from my blog as I failed to understand why my page wouldn't load till like 5 minutes after but after some deep investigation by an IT genius it was revealed to me that it was my hit counter that wasn't working from the server sooooo basically I got rid of that and hey presto! However, it now seems that my chat box has erased everything so the lonely chat box would be happy to receive some love, alternatively you could all force me into posting comments in my own comment box but hopefully it will never have to come to that...As exam season is approaching, by way of procrastination, I will be blogging, of course. Preparation for the upcoming negotiation exam begins... I had quite the Avril Lavigne phase as a teen. I loved the whole idea of being a skater (you know, baggy 3 quarter length shorts, sweat bands etc...) except I can't skate to save my life and the one time I put a foot on a skateboard I moved forward so fast on the laminate wood flooring that I have had my fill of skateboarding for quite a while. Avril has recently released a new song 'Here's to Never Growing Up' which I have on repeat at the moment (despite me not really being much of a drinker or partier). A major part of me will probably forever love poppy, energetic, teenage angsty music so here y'all go...(obviously the 'grown up' me will provide the explicit version haha) Can't wait till the official video is released! Also, I know this is only the second song I've noticed it in, but is Radiohead a massive part of being a teen? Katy Perry also mentions Radiohead in 'The One That Got Away'... Edited with the official video in, complete with the swearing (ooo) Labels: avril lavigne, blog, blogging, childhood, exams, fixed, here's to never growing up, hiatus, music, negotiation, problems, procrastination, radiohead, replay, skateboarding, stress, teen, teenage, teenager |
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Saturday, 13 April 2013 @ 10:30 pm
Note: 'S' = me, 'A' = anonymous ;)S : Hey did you know that there's going to be a new disney movie out called Finding Dory?Scene setting: Browsing Netflix in an attempt to choose a movie A : Hey honey, you'll like this movie, it's got Vin Diesel in it! Labels: boo, conversation, disney, dory, dwayne johnson, finding dory, Finding nemo, fish, funny, monsters inc, monsters university, movie, netflix, pixar, the rock, vin diesel |
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Friday, 25 January 2013 @ 2:24 am
This is an amazing talk.Labels: beauty, cameron, cameron russell, media, model, perception, russell, self image, talk, ted, ted talk |
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Wednesday, 12 December 2012 @ 12:45 am
Well, I have no other clever input for this momentous day of 12/12/12. The lyrics are courtesy of the song 'Make a Wish' by Ellegarden (which are a fantastic Japanese band if you've never heard of them). Oh and I have an essay to do about whether parliamentary sovereignty is at threat from the judiciary. I suppose I will be waffling on about the Human Rights Act 1998 and the EU...better get started-after I watch this documentary I found on 'Britain's Supreme Court' Labels: 11:11, constitution, constitutional law, Ellegarden, essay, judiciary, make a wish, parliament, sovereignty |
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Wednesday, 28 November 2012 @ 11:50 pm
I usually attempt a clever blog title, but I'll save it this time or it would get ridiculously long and complex.I've liked Simple Plan since I was around 12 or 13 years old. Back when all I did was watch endless music videos on Yahoo Launch and one day, a song called 'Welcome to My Life' came on. As with most teenagers, I was beginning what my mother liked to call my 'teenage rebellion years' (I called it my 'emo' stage), immediately I connected with the song. I'll always remember the music video: Pierre is sitting up on a high building, teens stuck in a car, a major traffic jam and Simple Plan at the root of the issue! Hooked, I watched all their other videos on Yahoo Launch, that very evening I went to HMV in Piccadilly and bought all (the first two!) the albums I could get my hands on. I proudly unwrapped the CD and had it in my walkman for weeks on end Fast forward 8 years, I'm no longer suffering from quite the same teenage angst, nevertheless, I still love Simple Plan's music. Yes, I still find their music relatable because somehow it's managed to grow up with me (or the other way round haha). My love for them stems from their music getting me through those really problematic teenage years, but that has mostly transcended into love for how much charity work they commit themselves to. The 'Simple Plan Foundation' was created to help young people in need; from bullying, suicide and to those affected by war-but it's not just that-when a major earthquake occurred during 2011 in Japan, they donated money as well as creating a t-shirt that fans could buy, where proceeds would go towards the fund, there's so much more and I could go on for a while... More recently, they've created a music video for MTV Exit to 'This Song Saved My Life' to promote awareness and raise money to stop human trafficking. Some could argue that the lyrics (which are inspired by tweets fans sent during the creation of the song) may not fit the video well, yet, without fail, I cry every time I see the video or hear the song. It's touching how much charity work they dedicate themselves to. Perhaps it goes more unnoticed because they are not as famous/popular as some other celebrities or artists who have a great deal of wealth and can afford generous donations. I hope they realise that while their music doesn't get the recognition I feel it deserves (they're immensely popular in Asia, but not so much in England) their time, effort and dedication to helping others is humbling. I know that their music has saved people who were in a much worse place than myself, regardless, while I wasn't suffering from very severe depression, I deeply appreciate how much their music kept me going and gave me something to relate to through the difficult times where I'd put on a big black band hoodie, hide in my wardrobe, and cry. I was fortunate enough to see them twice in one day when they did 3 shows in Camden on the same day and even attended a signing. In the more recent years their gigs unfortunately clashed with the exam period, although I hope I will one day get to see another gig. I owe a great deal to Simple Plan who have gently gotten me through the troublesome stage of my adolescence, in addition to caring for their fans and those in poverty. Stay together guys, I'll continue to support your music and charity work forever. Labels: charity, depression, emo, Get Your Heart On, human trafficking, Japan, MTV exit, simple plan, simple plan foundation, teenage, this song saved my life, Yahoo, youth |