Nothing Left Unsaid
Yours Truly
Her name is Sabrina, and she is probably one of the laziest and emotionally closed off people you will ever meet. Don't judge her for it; she's a lot smarter than you can imagine and is fiercely loyal to her true friends. A new graduate who majored in law and hoping to
Words speak
Posso farle.
"Ambition is a wonderful thing-it can drive you, it can exhaust you, but if you look at it in a positive way it can be very productive."-Steven McRae.
"I like to think that while striving to improve, it is important to acknowledge at every stage along the way, when you have achieved something."-Steven McRae.
Carpe diem.
Obiter Dicta
Exits
My YouTube Channel
Sofeee Tu~
Gar-wie Tran~
Ray-shell Le~
Kee-vin Choi~
Positively Present
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Wednesday, 22 April 2015 @ 1:44 am
I'm not great at remembering names, but I'm great with remembering faces.
That beautiful face that sometimes seemed too good to be true, almost as if it had been delicately sculpted for you, cupped so gently as you rubbed your cheek against my hand, alluring hazel eyes you can't help but fall in love with, the well groomed and soft-to-the-touch facial hair, your gentle lips that I have traced with my fingertips, a mouth that breaks out into a smile that no person could stay angry at for long, and of course, your hair that seems to have a mind of its own, dancing around.
I can remember how you made me feel.
I can remember what it felt like to touch you.
Yet I can't seem to remember what you look like. You invade my mind everyday, but I can never conjure up exactly how you look. Maybe it's because I never allowed myself to obsess over pictures of you (the way you treated me made sure of that), or maybe it's because my mind is so desperately trying to block you out, because it knows my heart is still aching. The oh-so-common war between head and heart-it cannot comprehend how something so beautiful, could possibly cause so much pain. The worst part of all this? Looks-wise, you're not even my usual 'type'.
Mostly, I agree with the evaluation a close friend has made towards this. They told me that I don't actually like you that much, but more because my confidence has been knocked.
Why would my confidence in 'us' be so high though, for it to take such a beating?
Probably because I haven't 'clicked' with someone like that in a long time. Perhaps ever.
I am well and fully aware of the people I have liked in the past that I have obsessed over, become infatuated over, that have made me gush whenever I talk about them. Then again, those were people who I always felt ticked my metaphorical boxes of what I like, of what I desire. You, however, came along into my life and I saw for the first time what it meant to have so much in common with another person. Not just an admiration or a perceived liking of how a person comes across, but a real, live, realisation of what it means to smile every time you realise someones choices are like yours; ranging from things such as an extreme dislike for public displays of affection, to your favourite Disney movie (that I was originally afraid to tell you about because I thought you wouldn't like it and it really means that much to me that it is my favourite)...but you also ticked those boxes, you were also that someone for me to admire.
Then, without caution, I threw myself into this. This, I thought, this I know...is right. It's perfect. We're perfect together. We're similar enough to be so comfortable at such an early stage, open enough to voice our opinions when we're upset, we think the same, we must want the same things.
My lovestruck heart wasn't prepared for you to turn around and disprove that. To tell me that what you wanted wasn't the same, It wasn't me. All you wanted was a feeling...of intimacy. I wanted you-and all the feelings that came with it.
Even now, as I try to remember when I was looking at you, laying on the bed and looking up at me, I still can't remember your face. I can remember all the millions of questions and thoughts rushing through my head, you, shaking your head and saying 'no' gently, over and over. I hadn't even asked you anything. All the while, you were touching me, not in a provocative way, but rather a caring and still playfully sweet way. Our noses were almost touching, but maybe that was because I could no longer bear to maintain eye contact without giving my emotions away. At one point when we pulled apart, you sounded upset (you had no such right), said I had 'sad eyes'...why wouldn't my eyes be sad? Did you think that a person who already told you they like you could hear that and not feel some sort of emotion? I remember when I told you that, you smiled and said in that stupid and small happy voice 'you like me' not an exclamation, not a question, but more like a happy realisation, a fact.
My mind is trying to distort this now, it's telling me you smirked and said 'you like me' in a self satisfied manner, that you accomplished something by making me vulnerable.
Why would you want to continue to lead on, and hurt another person who is clearly special? I'm not bragging about myself here, I'm saying it felt as though I was a reflection of you, that hurting me is like casting yourself aside. You didn't want me, you wanted the closeness of another being, intimate with each other when not in public, a person to hold hands with, a person for you to look at and say 'you look pretty', to take out to dinner, to plan things to do together in the future, to talk to about your day and the joys and stresses that it brings. What I didn't realise is that you could have that with anyone, it just happened to be me-I conveniently showed up when you wanted those things and I gave them to you. I was not, and will never be special to you, like you are to me. You will never feel like how I did back then, or how I feel right now at this point. I've told a friend before 'I no longer want these feelings, I don't want to feel anything, whether it be happiness or sadness.'
I guess we're not that similar after all.
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